Princess Fred

Imogen says: Do you remember when you were a beautiful princess?
Imogen says: That was fun
Fred says: Yes, now I'm an old slag.
Imogen says: You had the most fabulous hair
Fred says: Now it is thinning and grey :(
Imogen says: yup
Imogen says: Look at how you've let yourself go
Imogen says: It's disgusting
Fred says: Everything was so easy after I got married
Imogen says: I'm ashamed of you!
Imogen says: Go pump yourself with Botox or never darken my doorway again
Fred says: Look, Matron, your shame meant something when I was but a teenage princess but now I'm the queen of everything.
Imogen says: I have most sensitive and delicate eyes
Imogen says: your appearance is a harsh and burning heat on my aesthetic sensibilities
Imogen says: Even Vogue says you're washed up
Imogen says: Matron I may be, but I'm still Queen of the tabloid manipulation brigade
Fred says: But... Vogue loved me....
Imogen says: (headline of VOGUE: Imogen is sexiest person ever, Fred washed up slag)
Fred says: *weeps*
Imogen says: *cackles*
Fred says: And what about Vanity Fair?
Imogen says: (VANITY FAIR headline: Imogen Rulez, Fred Droolz and Totally Needs Botox)
Fed says: *sighs*
Fred says: I just know Hello magazine has disowned me.....
Imogen says: You don't really want to know what the Hello headline was
Imogen says: Frankly, I'd say it was unprintable, but standards are dropping everywhere these days...
Imogen says: Not like when I was young.
Imogen says: *knocks back alcoholic prune juice*
Fred says: Um...
Fred says: Matron....
Fred says: Tell me how I can be beautiful again...
Imogen says: Ahem
Imogen says: *croons: Come closer, my pretty, ever closer....*
Fred says: *does so*
Imogen says: (still crooning:) First, my dear, how much do you want it...?
Fred says: (I want it bad...)
Imogen says: (enough to...Die...?)
Imogen says: *bites neck viciously*
Fred says: *watches all of Disneys back catalogue*
Fred says: (No.)
Imogen says: Excuse me
Imogen says: Look, I'm draining you of your life blood here
Imogen says: the least you can do is pay attention
Fred says: And I'm telling you to stop.
Imogen says: ...Nah...
Imogen says: *drools redly*
Fred says: You could at least eat tidily, Matron.
Imogen says: Shutup.
Imogen says: *saps final drops*
Fred says: So, what now?
Imogen says: *croons once more*
Do you wish to die, my pretty, or join me as my servant in eternal light and beauty?
Fred says: Servant?!
Imogen says: (Vanity Fair will love you)
Fred says: SERVANT?!
Imogen says: (so will Vogue)
Fred says: TO YOU?!?!
Imogen says: (And Hello)
Fred says: My my, Matron! How lofty your thoughts have turned of late!
Fred says: ME?!
Fred says: YOUR QUEEN, your servant?!
Imogen says: OK! will probably do an entire section on you
Imogen says: They may even let you keep the clothes
Fred says: And what of Cosmo?
Fred says: Or Glamour?
Fred says: Now and Womans Weekly?
Imogen says: Cosmo agrees to have you on the cover, but only if you offer alluring sex tips
Imogen says: it's the same deal Elvis got.
Fred says: *sighs*
Fred says: I accept....
Imogen says: Glamour is clamouring for vampire booty on the cover
Fred says: *weeps*
Imogen says: Great! Drink this
Imogen says: *offers clotting goo*
Fred says: *knocks it back*
Imogen says: Hey! That's some mighty expensive goo you're knocking back there!
Imogen says: Onto a mighty expensive carpet!
Fred says: All for Princess!
Imogen says: Listen, drink the goo.
Imogen says: It tastes a lot nicer than wheatgrass and is twice as slimming
Fred says: *drinks it all up*
Imogen says: *sucks remnants off carpet* Waste not, want not
Imogen says: ...
Imogen says: HAHAHAHAAAA
Fred says: Wha....
Imogen says: By drinking the goo, you have made yourself my eternal SLAVE!
Imogen says: HAHAHAHAHAAAAA
Imogen says: *disappears in a puff of smoke*
Fred says: Well.... I.... where'd you go?
Imogen says: *to California. At this exact moment in time I am endulging in furious Celebrating-My-Evil-Genius sex with my gorgeous but thankfully mute butler, Paulo*
Fred says: :
Fred says: BUTLER?!?!
Fred says: Not a male concubine?!
Imogen says: *Butler is what is says on the payslip, but we all know what he really is*
Fred says: And when do the good headlines roll in for me?
Fred says: *reads Vogue*
Fred says: "Princess sells soul."
Fred says: "What a whore."
Fred says: "Faceless tart."
Fred says: :
Imogen says: *COSMO headline: Imogen's super-hot furious celebrating my evil genius sex tips*
Fred says: *sigh*
Imogen says: *Reappears in a puff of smoke and victory*
Imogen says: Hello slave.
Fred says: *meakly nods*
Imogen says: You will find me a not quite unkind mistress
Imogen says: Here, have a make-over courtesy of my other slave, Jesus
Imogen says: He's a hair and beauty stylist
Fred says: *sits and is styled*
Imogen says: Jesus: Permed or straightened, my love?
Fred says: Straightened, it'll go with my new dead look
Imogen says: Jesus: Right. *burns hair*
Fred says: :(:(
Imogen says: HAHAHAHAAAA
Imogen says: Now you have burnt hair!
Imogen says: *disappears in a puff of smoke*
Fred says: WHY?!
Fred says: YOU SAID YOU WERE NOT UNKIND!
Imogen says: *distant sound of cackling*
Fred says: *SIGH*
Imogen says: (I only reappeared down the corridor, where I am now indulging in a victory smoke)
Imogen says: *mooches back in* Are you still here?
Imogen says: This is my house, you realise.
Fred says: *weeps in a corner*
Fred says: Why have you done this to me!?
Imogen says: *inspects nails* Uh... Boredom, really...
Imogen says: Do you think purple is my colour?
Fred says: This was my life.
Imogen says: Oh, all right
Imogen says: you can have your life back.
Imogen says: If you really want it
Fred says: And my hair?
Imogen says: To be honest it looks better the way it is. Now drink this goo.
Imogen says: *proffers glutinous goo*
Fred says: *Drinks the goo*
Fred says: *all of it*
Imogen says: HAHAHAHA
Imogen says: NOW YOU ARE MY ETERNAL SLAVE, HAVE BURNT HAIR AND YOU ALSO SMELL BAD!
Imogen says: HAHAHAHAHAAAA
Imogen says: *wanders out*
Fred says: :(
Imogen says: I win
Fred says: You always will :)