The Country Western Head Attachment

Imogen says:

Beatrix says:
ARGH
Imogen says:
D:
Imogen says:
:D
Imogen says:
Ah, the chance to horrify you comes around all too rarely
Beatrix says:
This going to be your costume then? ^^
Beatrix says:
Gonna get all the guys
Beatrix says:
I want to see what she looks like when she walks around...
Imogen says:
I know...D:
Imogen says:
And yes, I would get all the guys!
Imogen says:
I see that now!
Imogen says:
Thanks, Jo
Beatrix says:
Beatrix says:
No problem. See you tomorrow!
Imogen says:
Kay. If I don't find some pointy ears you can always go as yourself in 70 years time
Imogen says:
I would, but it's hard to make a stuffed dead husband at short notice.
Imogen says:
Anyway, I think I'll just hide the lame sameyness of my costume under fabulously backcombed hair.
Imogen says:
I might even put some twigs in it.
Beatrix says:
YAY
Imogen says:
LOL I just caught myself wondering where I could get twigs from at such short notice.
Imogen says:
Do you have any black eyeliner, for that special corpsey look? mine is grey and sparkly...
Beatrix says:
Nope...I have blue and brown though Beatrix says:
Oh! Did you manage to get any elf ears for my costume?
Imogen says:
I found a clip-on ear but it's not for attaching to your body, and it's not pointy.
Beatrix says:
D:
Imogen says:
In fact, it's barely an ear...
Beatrix says:
What...is it?
Imogen says:
It's half a butterfly.
Beatrix says:
.....
Beatrix says:
Thanks for your help.
Imogen says:
I did try! I even rummaged through the deepest and most sticky part of "The Hair Drawer" for you!
Imogen says:
Is that not love?
Imogen says:
The only way I could have proved myself even more to you would be involving a ring, Mordor and MY AXE.
Imogen says:
Ooh, with that green waistcoat I gave you Seb could go as Heath Ledger as the Joker
Imogen says:
Or is that a little too dark?
Beatrix says:
Hmm
Beatrix says:
We need face paints
Imogen says:
True... Alice had some for her video, but I think that she mentioned they were shit.
Beatrix says:
But you're right, that's love
Imogen says:
And my love knows no bounds...
Imogen says:
http://www.grimmemennesker.dk/ugly-people-511.htm
Imogen says:
Except maybe that.
Beatrix says:
What the hell is that coming out of his face?!
Imogen says:
...
Beatrix says:
Can I be the blue one?
Imogen says:
I don't know, but for some reason I imagine it singing...
Beatrix says:
And why is the thing coming out of his face defying gravity??
Imogen says:
I don't know. Maybe "I wanna know what love is"?
Imogen says:
That song.
Imogen says:
Ooh, or "Hurt"
Imogen says:
The NIN version, not Johnny Cash
Beatrix says:
You think that the suspiciously sausage shaped thing coming out of his face that appears to be floating is a song?
Beatrix says:
Sung by Johnny Cash?
Imogen says:
No...That it's singing a song...
Beatrix says:
Oh
Imogen says:
By Nine Inch Nails.
Beatrix says:
Yes, I can see that
Beatrix says:
No, wait
Beatrix says:
I reckon 'Nettie' by Type O'Negative
Beatrix says:
*inhumanely deep voice*
Imogen says:
Maybe it does a track rotation
Beatrix says:
"Netttieeeeeee"
Beatrix says:
"No neeeeeed to cryyyyyyyyy"
Beatrix says:
It might have a whole set
Beatrix says:
I reckon it does Abba's Greatest Hits
Imogen says:
Mybe he has different colours of weird head attachments, each with a different genre?
Beatrix says:
A cowboy hat, definitely
Imogen says:
The yellow one would sing songs about vomit, though.
Beatrix says:
I can't imagine there are many of those
Imogen says:
Uh...
Imogen says:
*thinks back*
Imogen says:
I think "Because I Got High" mentions vomit at some point
Imogen says:
But I can't be sure...
Beatrix says:
Beatrix says:
I really don't remember
Imogen says:
Oh, and one of Eminems songs definately does
Imogen says:
"Mom's spaghetti"?
Imogen says:
Never mind.
Beatrix says:
At a night with full moon,
Blessed by priests of evil,
Marked with the sign of goat,
I've turn my back to you,
My destiny is to be fell,
I spit on your face,
I'm the black vomit of hell
Beatrix says:
There you go
Beatrix says:
Found some
Imogen says:
What was that?
Beatrix says:
Uh
Beatrix says:
Choosed to be the offensor of Christ
Evil, disgusting and bloody mind
He was belched forth of hell
To torment the son of god...
Lucifer designate me to this work
Because I love to xxxx you
Eat your delicious mother
Blaspheming over your Trinity
I was born by semen of Satan
Beatrix says:
While your mother cry under your feet
I smile by your disgrace
Suffering is the only thing
Which I desire to you
Christ you is a liar
Satan is my master
And command my mind to total disaster
Christ I will fuck
All the bastards
Who believe in yours words of love
Christ I hate you
With all my forces
Will piss on your corpse and eat your flesh
Imogen says:
Oh right, it's one of my Dad's.
Beatrix says:
Black Vomit by Sarcogofago
Imogen says:
DON'T CONTRADICT ME.
Imogen says:
All satanic songs are by my Dad.
Beatrix says:
I know.
Imogen says:
Do you think weird head attachment guy does concerts?
Beatrix says:
Definitely.
Imogen says:
We should go.
Beatrix says:
I'm on his fansite at the moment
Beatrix says:
He's on tour round Hungary right now
Imogen says:
But that's so far away...
Beatrix says:
I don't think it's the guy who does the concerts though...
Beatrix says:
I think it's his head attachment
Imogen says:
Yeah, but he's the manager.
Beatrix says:
Yeah
Imogen says:
He probably oraganises the whole deal.
Beatrix says:
The head attachment has all the charisma
Imogen says:
Maybe the head attachment is under his power though?
Beatrix says:
And stage presence
Imogen says:
Perhaps he's keeping it captive
Imogen says:
milking its talent
Beatrix says:
I reckon the man is under the power of the head attachment
Imogen says:
Like a leech in a bodysock.
Beatrix says:
Exactly
Imogen says:
Possibly his crotch has some say though.
Beatrix says:
What does the green one sing about?
Imogen says:
It's the only part of his body resisting the red body sock with some kind of forcefield...
Imogen says:
And the green one sings country and western
Imogen says:
but only the ones about wife beating
Imogen says:
And some Sheryl Crowe
Beatrix says:
What about the pink one?
Imogen says:
Basement Jaxx Greatest Hits.
Imogen says:
No compromise on that one
Imogen says:
It's also the only weird head attachment capable of singing in harmony with itself
Imogen says:
Unfortunately it is also immobile
Imogen says:
The others waggle around a little as they sing.
Beatrix says:
How do you know?
Imogen says:
Just look into his eyes, Beatrix.
Imogen says:
Can't you see?
Beatrix says:
Eyes?
Beatrix says:
Do you mean those lumps?
Imogen says:
Also, you know how supernatural obsessees go on about orbs of light being ghosts and fairies and such?
Beatrix says:
Yes?
Imogen says:
Look at his crotch
Beatrix says:
What do you think that is?!
Imogen says:
Either he has slight ghostly activity around his already forcefield creating crotch
Imogen says:
Or he has suspicious stains
Imogen says:
I think I'll leave that to the jury
Beatrix says:
It seems to be emanating light somehow...
Imogen says:
Finally, Jo, we have the proof we need.
Imogen says:
let's go!
Beatrix says:
Imogen says:
To the White House!
Imogen says:
*zooms*
Beatrix says:
*soars*
Imogen says:
Really? Soaring?
Beatrix says:
I can't zoom
Imogen says:
Ah.
Imogen says:
How's that working out for you?
Beatrix says:
Fine, I guess
Imogen says:
I'll just have a look under your bonnet
Imogen says:
*lifts lid to Beatrix*
Imogen says:
Well I can see your problem right here
Beatrix says:
I didn't know I had a -
Imogen says:
SPLICH
Beatrix says:
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
Imogen says:
SPLICHHHHHH
Beatrix says:
*stares horrified at pulsating head attachment*
Beatrix says:
YOU!
Imogen says:
I think the more relevant question NOW is what WAS that?!
Imogen says:
It's dead...
Beatrix says:
But - why?
Beatrix says:
And how?
Imogen says:
I think you frightened it
Beatrix says:
To death?
Imogen says:
You've had a lucky escape, ma'am
Imogen says:
Any longer and it would have had you under its power
Beatrix says:
It power?
Beatrix says:
It died almost instantly...
Imogen says:
Singing Abba's Greatest Hits in Hungary
Imogen says:
And attracting small fairies to your forcefield emanating crotch
Beatrix says:
Do you think it sings it in English?
Imogen says:
No.
Imogen says:
Some kind of Spanish or Portugese dialect
Imogen says:
I can't really tell.
Beatrix says:
Not German?
Beatrix says:
Or Latin?
Imogen says:
Sometimes it sings in a German accent.
Imogen says:
And it sings in Latin only on public holidays
Beatrix says:
Every public holiday?
Imogen says:
No, it doesn't celebrate Hanukkah.
Imogen says:
And Thanksgiving is a little iffy.
Beatrix says:
It's not religious then?
Imogen says:
Thanksgiving isn't religious
Beatrix says:
I thought it was some religion for turkey lovers?
Imogen says:
And the fact of the matter is that weird head attachments like pork too much to be Jewish.
Imogen says:
Thanksgiving is an American Stealing Land From the Indians thing
Imogen says:
I think?
Beatrix says:
Oh
Beatrix says:
Does Head Attachment not approve?
Beatrix says:
Maybe it's Indian?
Beatrix says:
Sorry, Native American
Imogen says:
I'm not sure
Imogen says:
I think it just identifies too much with turkeys
Imogen says:
You know, what with their saggy face attachments
Beatrix says:
Ahhh
Imogen says:
Also the gobbling is actually a form of song
Beatrix says:
Oh
Beatrix says:
You seem to understand them
Beatrix says:
*glares suspiciously*
Imogen says:
I've been dealing with these guys for years.
Imogen says:
*opens coat to reveal arsenal of weird head attachment removal specific weapons*
Imogen says:
First, it starts with an inability to zoom.
Beatrix says:
...
Beatrix says:
Ahem
Beatrix says:
It's not what you think...
Imogen says:
After that, a tendency to wear semi transparent colourful body tights
Beatrix says:
*Phew*
Imogen says:
You're fine, yours is dead.
Beatrix says:
Thank God
Imogen says:
We got it just in time
Imogen says:
But if you feel an urge to wear, you know... then let me know.
Imogen says:
I'll sort you right out
Imogen says:
*caresses gun*
Beatrix says:
How?
Beatrix says:
Medicine?
Imogen says:
*caresses gun more obviously*
Beatrix says:
Psychiatry sessions?
Imogen says:
*rubs gun on naked body*
Beatrix says:
Group therapy?
Beatrix says:
Hypnosis??
Imogen says:
*passionately kisses gun whilst committing unspeakable acts*
Beatrix says:
I don't get it...
Imogen says:
*gives up*
Imogen says:
I just don't do anal, not even with my gun
Beatrix says:
I'll have to rape a foetus?
Beatrix says:
That's gross...
Beatrix says:
You're sick
Imogen says:
The foetus raping isn't mandatory
Beatrix says:
Thanks
Imogen says:
You may also stare at this photograph for the rest of ETERNITY:
Imogen says:


Beatrix says:
URGH
Imogen says:
Don't like that one?
Beatrix says:
That's even worse than that one of the woman giving birth to herself
Beatrix says:
I'm going to bed, that's so gross
Beatrix says:
Bye, perv.
Imogen says:


Imogen says:
WAIT
Imogen says:
This one is better, I promise!
Beatrix says:
*vomits*
Beatrix says:
*writes song about it*
Beatrix says:
*sells it to Yellow Head Attachment*
Beatrix says:
Goodnight.
Beatrix says:
Urgh.

Drip Dry

Fred says:
Period.....
Sebastian says:
yeah
Sebastian says:
same with me...
Fred says:
Want a tampon?
Sebastian says:
nah, I drip dry

The Porn Revolution of 2008

Tea: Ahh, Trebor make nice sweets, I think I'll let them off when the revolution comes...
Fred: The revolution that will sweep aside the credit crunch with something much more meaningful?
Fred: Because I'd like to see you keep middle aged bankers interested in something other than fluxuating numbers and Thai brides
Fred: Unless you propose a revolution in porn?
Fred: Guilt free would be the essential necessary change
Tea: What would a revoloution in porn entail? O_o
Fred: I'm not sure, but I seem to recall the last revolution you proposed was a Romantic one and I just don't see it working
Fred: Perhaps making porn downloadable without the threat of viruses
Fred: (What the hell am I on about?)
Tea: I've pretty much conceded all hope of a revolution now, in all honesty... people are too rubbish (a small colony of not rubbish people would be nice though...even a flat??). So...what will be the outcome of this wonderous, virus-free world of porn?
Fred: And guilt free*
Tea: Of course ^^
Fred: I can only imagine that the outcome would be a world of wankers, but we're at that stage now so.... well.... a world of perpetual wankers?
Tea: Sounds...beautiful and frightening...? Not very productive, but wonderful nonetheless. I want to make a pun somewhere but my wit's failing ):
Fred: I think most wit fades in the face of perpetual masturbation
Fred: A kleenex moment perhaps?
Fred: Oh, haha, there we go
Tea: I bow to you sir!
Fred: And while the world masturbates you'll have a flat of not rubbish people masturbating their minds, yes?
Tea: Yep, guilt-free mental masturbation! Although we'd probably just spend the time complaining about the affect on the climate of all the tissue used >.<
Fred: Paper can be recycled.... the dripping, life potent paper...

Raping Hot Hunnies

Eric Monday says: so yeah how do you talk to some random chick who's name you don't even know and you've never even spoken to?
Eric Monday says: coz let me tell you
Eric Monday says: this person in question is raping hot
Beatrix says: Well you go up to her and say,
Beatrix says: "Hi, my name's Eric."
Beatrix says: Shake her hand.
Beatrix says: Old fashioned like.
Eric Monday says: that would seem so weird
Eric Monday says: though if I did it as if it was intended weird
Eric Monday says: like
Eric Monday says: as if I had a monocle
Eric Monday says: yeah
Eric Monday says: good idea
Eric Monday says: i'll do that tommorow
Eric Monday says: we'll see who wants to bang who
Beatrix says: Awesome. I'm just trying to think of what Sebastian does.
Eric Monday says: Sebastian's naturally charming
Eric Monday says: even I, not being gay, would tap that
Eric Monday says: if you don't mind my saying
Beatrix says: He's not.
Beatrix says: He didn't use to be.
Beatrix says: I don't mind at all.
Eric Monday says: i've known him for quite a while
Eric Monday says: I don't remember him not being charming
Beatrix says: He says before year nine he wasn't.
Eric Monday says: though sometimes I can't tell if he's being serious or not
Eric Monday says: but apart from that
Eric Monday says: yeah
Eric Monday says: hot
Eric Monday says: nice one
Eric Monday says: not that i've an opinion, not being gay
Eric Monday says: *cough*
Beatrix says: No, well...
Beatrix says: Even straight men fancy Sebastian.
Beatrix says: Well known fact.
Eric Monday says: mm
Eric Monday says: so you say he's not naturally charming, and then you say that even straight guys fancy him
Eric Monday says: surely straight guys wouldn't fancy him if he wasn't naturally charming
Eric Monday says: damn it this pillage is taking forever to go!

Captain NippleCaps

Imogen: besides, I already made her into a crispy burnt AIDS infected guilty corpse.
Fred: Yeah... you're good at that...
Fred: Or taking blood
Fred: Or making people old and haggared
Imogen: Yah
Imogen: not so secret talent
Fred: It's such a destructive talent that I'm sure it doesn't need to be secret
Imogen: Nah, what if the government were to find out?
Imogen: Needless to say they'd use me for their own evil plans
Fred: You might get paid for your good work?
Imogen: The X Men have taught us that much.
Fred: The X-men sold out.
Imogen: Oooh, money!
Imogen: *becomes government slag*
Fred: Do you have an overly revealing tight colourful costume?
Imogen: Overly revealing is an understatement (my superhero name is Captain Nipple Caps)
Fred: That name makes me happy somehow
Imogen: I know, it just sounds fun, doesn't it?
Fred: It does, I picture you firing aids infected milk all over little kids
Imogen: Fun to say, although now my family think I'm crazy: "CaptainnipplecapsCaptainnipplecapsCaptainnipplecaps."
Fred: We should rights reserve it and trademark it!
Imogen: I'm not sure I should fire milk from my nipples.
Fred: But it'd be fun
Imogen: that might involve removing my nipple caps
Imogen: then I'd just be Captain Naked
Fred: You could have firing holes?
Imogen: Hmm...
Imogen: Alright. And my nipple caps have bullseyes on them to indicate my skill on the firing range.
Fred: Also!
Fred: The rest of your costume should be skin coloured so people are like "Is she naked? "
Fred: Like the psychik one in Xmen or Nausica
Imogen: What do you mean, "the rest of my costume"?!
Fred: Erm, I assume there's more...? Right? More than the nipple caps?
Imogen: ...
Fred: No even something for the... you know... junk?
Imogen: ...
Imogen: Wait.
Imogen: Hang on, junk?!
Imogen: I am a LADY
Fred: Your lady junk?
Imogen: Everyone knows the following entirely true and in no way made up by me facts about LADIES:
Imogen: 1: Ladies have no genitals (i.e. JUNK)
Imogen: 2: Ladies do not: i)urinate
Imogen: ii) excrete
Imogen: iii) produce gas, either from their behinds nor mouths
Fred: What about their breasts?
Imogen: 3: Ladies know everything you are thinking, and think you are very dirty.
Imogen: Breasts?
Imogen: Well we have those.
Imogen: But merely as shelves on which we keep various ladylike apparatus
Imogen: such as combs... and..uh...
Fred: Tampons?
Imogen: Eurgh
Imogen: Ladies don't have periods.
Fred: What about women?
Imogen: They do.
Imogen: THEY ARE IMMENSELY PAINFUL AND LAST FOREVER
Imogen: But Ladies don't
Fred: Imogen, I love you ^^
Imogen: I love bicycles.
Imogen: Not the usual kind.
Imogen: The ones with a low seat and high handlebars and a basket on the front.
Fred: Not your lord Jesus? (me)
Imogen: I love you too, but only because you remind me slightly of a bicycle.
Fred: *sigh*
Fred: I don't have wheels, Imogen, or spokes!
Imogen: Bicycles are great though.
Imogen: You have hands
Imogen: Hands and handlebars aren't too far from each other...
Fred: But, theoretically speaking, I'd need to use them to hold onto wheels!
Imogen: You need to think more metaphorically?
Fred: You know I struggle metaphorically
Imogen: Then you have not lived!

Alas, Sweet Olaf

Imogen: I would like to marriage you.
Imogen: I'm so lonely.
Imogen: *Has orgy*
Imogen: :P
Beatrix: Marriage me?
Imogen: Indeed, my sweet and delectable dirgybird
Imogen: *caresses cheek*
Beatrix: D:
Beatrix: What's got into you woman??
Beatrix: *slaps you*
Imogen: I'm sorry, WOMAN?!
Imogen: What on earth has got into YOU?!
Beatrix: I'm a male chauvinist now :(
Imogen: I've only been inserting my oversized member into you for the last TWELVE years.
Imogen: You of all people should know I'm all man.
Beatrix: D:
Beatrix: That was your MEMBER?
Beatrix: I thought it was your leg
Imogen: *inserts oversized member*
Imogen: Well sometimes it was.
Imogen: But MOSTLY it was my member.
Beatrix: It felt like a leg...
Beatrix: *suspicious*
Beatrix: It even sounded like a leg...
Imogen: I have a condition. Imogen: I don't like to talk about it.
Imogen: *withdraws misshapen member with foot-like kink in it, wearing a bizarre kind of thrid trouser leg*
Imogen: *third
Beatrix: D: D: D:
Beatrix: Oh God...
Beatrix: That's so...
Beatrix: Erotic.
Imogen: You know it, baby.
Imogen: I stiched the trouser leg myself :)
Imogen: *stitched
Imogen: It took me three weeks and I ran out of thread and had to use my own hair...
Imogen: All of it.
Beatrix: .....
Beatrix: I don't want to talk to you any more.
Imogen: *plays sad music on a tiny mandolin*
Imogen: Don't say that, my grimsby-snidge
Imogen: Our love is forever. *handcuffs you to bedrail*
Beatrix: Oh shi- Beatrix: Let me go!
Imogen: What's that, my tasty gristle?
Imogen: You want us to be together until the end of time?
Beatrix: LET ME GO!
Beatrix: *pulls at chains*
Beatrix: Aargh!
Imogen: I don't know why you're pulling at those chains, my wickedness.
Imogen: I distinctly remember handcuffing you to our connubial bed.
Beatrix: Because I'm trying to get free :@
Imogen: But... Well carry on then.
Imogen: *chains are the only thing suspending bed from boiling pit of lava*
Beatrix: Oh SHI-
Imogen: *filled with slugs. Dead ones.*
Beatrix: *clings onto bed railings*
Imogen: *Watches detachedly as bed falls from weakened chains into lava*
Imogen: *calls down* Don't worry, my crispy corpse! I'll still love oyu!
Imogen: *you
Beatrix: *is a charred corpse*
Beatrix: Happy now?!
Imogen: Yus ^ ^
Imogen: *faps*
Beatrix: D:
Beatrix: Stop that
Beatrix: I'm still sore there D:
Imogen: Fair enough
Imogen: I'm done now anyway. *Mooches off for tissue*
Beatrix: Oh, what's the point?
Beatrix: Leave it there, it might help heal the wounds
Imogen: I doubt it. But I'm sure you know best. *rubs AIDS infected semen into wounds*
Beatrix: OH SHI-
Beatrix: You could've told me :(
Imogen: Now you have to stay with me forver :)
Imogen: *forever
Imogen: Noone else will want you because you are horribly burnt and have aids and you also smell.
Beatrix: I do?
Beatrix: Why?
Beatrix: *sniffs self*
Beatrix: I think I smell okay...
Imogen: That is probably because your nose is burnt off.
Imogen: You smell like a chorizo.
Beatrix: Mm :) Tasty.
Imogen: Exactly *summons the wolves*
Imogen: Awowowowowowwoooooooooolflikenoises.
Beatrix: Woah....
Beatrix: Wait
Beatrix: We can talk this through...
Imogen: Hey, there's Olaf now!
Beatrix: *bites out chunk of own burnt flesh*
Imogen: I bet my offer of eternal love and sticky companionship is looking pretty appealing right now...
Beatrix: *spits it at Olaf's mouth*
Beatrix: *gives him AIDs*
Beatrix: *Olaf dies*
Imogen: That's terrible!
Imogen: He was Fred's life partner!
Beatrix: *feels guilty*
Beatrix: Uh...
Beatrix: We could stuff him?
Imogen: Why would you do such a thing?!
Beatrix: It's kind of like my dead stuffed husband only a little less weird?
Imogen: I only invited him round for a bit of a stroke and a biscuit!
Imogen: Now look at him!
Imogen: What, do you think Fred won't notice?!
Beatrix: You invited him over to EAT ME ALIVE!
Beatrix: You can't possibly call that 'stroke and a biscuit'
Imogen: THAT'S NOT WHAT "Awowowowowowwoooooooooolflikenoises" MEANS!
Beatrix: *scowls*
Beatrix: I don't believe you.
Imogen: "Awowowowowowwoooooooooolflikenoises" Means "Hey Olaf, my furry amigo, come round for a nice stroke and a biscuit, and meet my crispy corpse wife, she's really nice and I'm sure you'll be friends!"
Imogen: *wolves, attracted to the noise, come close and are stroked, and eat biscuits*
Imogen: *they politely shake your hand*
Beatrix: Thanks, guys...
Imogen: You know, this is a much nicer way of thanking them than the way you THANKED OLAF.
Imogen: ALthough I think I mean "THANKED" notethesarcasticquotationmarks!
Beatrix: Look, I'm sorry about that.
0Beatrix: I thought he wanted to eat me.
Imogen: Then why weren't you at the funeral, Beatrix. Tell me that.
Beatrix: The funeral?
Beatrix: ?!?
Beatrix: Already!?
Beatrix: So fast?
Beatrix: He only died ten minutes ago...
Imogen: Olaf had a very specific will in which it is essential he is buried 2 minutes after his death to prevent him rising from the grave as an enraged and vengeful zombie!
Beatrix: I had no idea...
Imogen: Yes well, thanks to your "We could stuff him" idea we only managed it in 3 minutes
Imogen: *glances nervously at ground*
Beatrix: You mean -
Beatrix: ??!
Imogen: *Olaf arises*
Beatrix: Uh oh....
Beatrix: *grabs chainsaw*
Imogen: *rubs gristle in eyes*

Fanimals

Fred says: Imogen iguana!
Imogen says: Fred flamingo?
Imogen says: Sorry, I'm not really fond of flamingos.
Imogen says: There must be a more complimentary Fanimal
Imogen says: (Fanimal; an animal beginning with the letter F)
Fred says: Frog is the prefered choice
Imogen says: It takes a greater proportion of time and effort to type, but I'll take it!
Fred says: Yes, iguana is easy
Fred says: Frog is tough
Imogen says: Well I suppose I must be thankful that there is no such animal as a Ficklelinkidinkidunk.
Fred says: Ah but there is!
Fred says: It lives in the Borders on the moors
Imogen says: SHIT
Imogen says: Something must be done!
Imogen says: *fetches gun and hunting hat*
Fred says: Imogen, are we going to commit genocide again?
Imogen says: Last time didn't really count.
Imogen says: Some of the haggis got away.
Fred says: Yes but there were no breeding couples!
Imogen says: Yes, but the gay couples moved to Denmark and adopted.
Imogen says: AND EVERYONE KNOWS BEING A HAGGIS IS CONTAGIOUS.

Whipped Corpse and the Congo

Fred says: Hullo
Imogen says: Greetings, Whippish one.
Fred says: I am Whippish, what is it to you?
Imogen says: As a meringue inspector extraordinaire, it is everything.
Imogen says: You might claim to be Whippish, and I and many others may call you such,
Imogen says: but are you truly Whipped?
Fred says: As a meringue I view you with some disdain
Imogen says: Disdainful meringues are something which I am sure I heartily detest.
Imogen says: Particularly those lacking an oozy lemon filling and light pastry casing.
Imogen says: You sir!
Imogen says: Where is your casing, may I ask?
Fred says: Look... my casing, well that's interesting because...
Fred says: *whips you*
Imogen says: Aha! Illegal Whipping without a licence, is it?
Imogen says: *handcuffs you to a radiator*
Fred says: Look, I left my license in my casing...
Imogen says: And where is that?
Fred says: Hurrrm, it's at the bakers....
Imogen says: And your creamy soft oozing lemony centre, how about that?
Fred says: Erm....
Fred says: Look, I don't know what happened to Lemon
Imogen says: So you claim.
Fred says: All I know is one day a spoon went right through me and Lemon was gone.
Fred says: It's the truth dammit!
Imogen says: *Paces the room agitatedly*
Imogen says: Then how do you explain this?
Fred says: I told you
Fred says: Spoon goes in
Fred says: Lemon goes out
Imogen says: *Holds up picture of you disgustingly licking and devouring your own creamy centre*
Fred says: That could be any Whipped creamy top.
Imogen says: I think you'll find this explains your recent spout of blindness
Imogen says: Or not, because you are blind
Fred says: I shan't say another word until I see my baker.
Imogen says: All in all I've been rather thoughtless about this.
Fred says: Not only am I not blind
Fred says: I'm barely sentient!
Imogen says: Your baker is already facing criminal charges in another court of law.
Fred says: Then I want another baker.
Imogen says: *holds up photograph of you joining Mensa*
Imogen says: Fair enough.
Imogen says: You can have Jacob
Fred says: *Sigh*
Fred says: I'm a smart meringue.
Imogen says: Is there something wrong with Jacob?
Imogen says: He's a fine boy.
Fred says: His muffins are doughy and his doughnuts muffiny.
Fred says: He'll mistake me for a trifle!
Fred says: No inspector, this simply won't do.
Imogen says: All this is somewhat incongruous considering Jacob's indefatigable aptitude for the practice of Lemon Meringue Law.
Imogen says: And it's Inspector Incredible to you, oh Empty One.
Fred says: I needn't remind you that I am NOT a lemon meringue, not anymore
Fred says: I am above or at least excused from these laws by that simple default
Fred says: In fact I've been interviewing some cherries
Imogen says: It is not what you ARE that concerns me.
Imogen says: It's the fact that you are chained to a radiator and therefore entirely under my power!
Fred says: *Sigh*
Imogen says: *faps*
Fred says: *sighs*
Fred says: Need I remind you of my consistency?
Fred says: *dribbles away*
Imogen says: Drat and double drat!
Imogen says: *summons flying monkeys*
Fred says: *melts into a drain*
Fred says: Imogen cat, do tell, how is life?
Imogen says: All is well, as long as I disconnect both my brain and my hormones.
Imogen says: My hormonal brain, as it were.
Fred says: Then all is a contusion!
Imogen says: Indeed! To the keep! *runs away*
Fred says: But what is wrong with your hormones in relation to your brain?
Fred says: *sits in the keep*
Fred says: So, Ronnie, I saw your wife last night *nudges you*
Imogen says: Ah well due to lack of sun I become sad, or S.A.D, which then leads my brain to go all crazy schizo and imagine that all the world is my enemy, even the small percentage of it made up of cupcakes.
Imogen says: Whassat 'bout my wife?
Imogen says: *looms over you*
Fred says: I SAW 'er last night, Ron.
Imogen says: Oo-er. She's been dead these past forty years, Ted.
Fred says: Looming isn't legal, not since the king *points at a portrait of your hormonal brain* the king says looming is for his guards only.
Imogen says: You do realise that since my hormonal brain is apparently king, we are living in a world WITHOUT CUPCAKES.
Fred says: I can live with that, Ron....
Imogen says: Of course YOU can. You sexually service the dead.
Fred says: Look, your wife's only been dead forty years, that's alive compared with some of 'em
Imogen says: Ted, just because you can jiggle her about without any limbs dropping off does not make her "alive" in any sense of the word.
Fred says: But in some sense... you still mourn her for instance
Fred says: 'er mem'ry is alive in you
Imogen says: That doesn't give you the right to keep your love mayonnaise alive within HER though, does it?
Fred says: *coughs*
Imogen says: (was that a little too far?)
Imogen says: (I can never tell)
Fred says: (For us, no)
Fred says: My love mayonnaise is about all that's preserving her at the moment.
Imogen says: You should really cut down on the high vinegar content of your food then, Ted.
Fred says: *Swigs back some vinegar cider*
Fred says: You should cut back on the crap, Ron, your bowels aint what they were back in 76
Imogen says: *That's not vinegar cider, that's piss in a bottle*
Imogen says: *not that it should make much of a difference, in my opinion*
Fred says: *coughs*
Fred says: Ron, I'm just going to get more cider.
Imogen says: I wouldn't if I were you.
Imogen says: You honestly don't want to know what I put in the other cider bottles.
Imogen says: I'm an angry man, Ted.
Imogen says: And as you mentioned, my bowels ain't what they used to be.
Fred says: Ron....*put hand on your metal armor thigh*
Fred says: Sometimes I wish you'd let some of that anger loose on me.
Imogen says: I might be cold, Ted.
Imogen says: But it's the metal
Imogen says: I'm not dead yet.
Fred says: *Sigh* but at 68, Ron, you aint got long left.
Fred says: And I'll be there
Fred says: Burying you next to your wife
Fred says: Burying into you next to your wife..
Imogen says: Ted, do you know much about cats?
Fred says: No, Ron.
Imogen says: Well, it just so turns out that I happen to be one.
Imogen says: *rapes you with my mighty barbed penis*
Imogen says: Wasn't that fun?
Fred says: Praise to the hormonal brain....*dies*....
Imogen says: *pisses on corpse*
Imogen says: *catches AIDS*
Imogen says: *dies*
Fred says: So, we were killed by the whim of the hormonal brain
Imogen says: Indeed.
Imogen says: Thus be the cruel and indifferent world we live in.
Imogen says: Praise be to the brain.
Fred says: *nods*
Fred says: So brain, where to now?
Imogen says: The Congo
Fred says: *gets out a machette(sp) and some cigars*
Imogen says: Where, even now, flesh eating gorillas improbably guarding Soloman's diamond mine await us.
Fred says: Thiise mishion is daingeroos, Jaine!
Imogen says: Faddleposh!
Imogen says: Now mount this giant spiny elephant so that we might climb that suspiciously smoking thick-jungle covered mountain!
Imogen says: *mounts her remarkably less spiny elephant with ease*
Fred says: But Jaine, that mountain is mount Atumbu, it is held by rebel militia and some say their iies a massiieve ape der!
Imogen says: Not to fear Manunday! I have packed you this small and unbelievably blunt knife with which to defend yourself!
Fred says: But Jaine, dey have AK47s and RPG launchers, not to mention T49 armored tanks!
Imogen says: Look Mr Ungrateful, you shall have your small greasy blunt broken knife and be happy with it!
Imogen says: *climbs inside tank*
Fred says: Lemme in dat tank Jaine!
Imogen says: Uhhh... Nah
Fred says: Jaine, you are a bihatch, I am going ro illegally traffic arms and diamunds like I should've have from da start
Imogen says: You can try, Manunday, but you shall never succeed against the improbably flesh eating apes of the congo!
Fred says: *Sigh*
Fred says: Jaine your hormonal mind suffocates me
Fred says: This jungle is so close
Fred says: And your tank is unseemly in dese surroundings
Imogen says: *Squirts hormones in your eyes*
Imogen says: Don't criticise me!
Fred says: AHHH!
Imogen says: Take this: oestrogen!
Fred says: *Dies from AIDs*
Fred says: There, you AIDs ridden fool.
Imogen says: SHIT
Imogen says: Now there is no bait to distract the flesh eating apes from my kleptomaniac intentions regarding the mines they are sworn to protect!
Imogen says: *is eaten by apes and dies*

Princess Fred

Imogen says: Do you remember when you were a beautiful princess?
Imogen says: That was fun
Fred says: Yes, now I'm an old slag.
Imogen says: You had the most fabulous hair
Fred says: Now it is thinning and grey :(
Imogen says: yup
Imogen says: Look at how you've let yourself go
Imogen says: It's disgusting
Fred says: Everything was so easy after I got married
Imogen says: I'm ashamed of you!
Imogen says: Go pump yourself with Botox or never darken my doorway again
Fred says: Look, Matron, your shame meant something when I was but a teenage princess but now I'm the queen of everything.
Imogen says: I have most sensitive and delicate eyes
Imogen says: your appearance is a harsh and burning heat on my aesthetic sensibilities
Imogen says: Even Vogue says you're washed up
Imogen says: Matron I may be, but I'm still Queen of the tabloid manipulation brigade
Fred says: But... Vogue loved me....
Imogen says: (headline of VOGUE: Imogen is sexiest person ever, Fred washed up slag)
Fred says: *weeps*
Imogen says: *cackles*
Fred says: And what about Vanity Fair?
Imogen says: (VANITY FAIR headline: Imogen Rulez, Fred Droolz and Totally Needs Botox)
Fed says: *sighs*
Fred says: I just know Hello magazine has disowned me.....
Imogen says: You don't really want to know what the Hello headline was
Imogen says: Frankly, I'd say it was unprintable, but standards are dropping everywhere these days...
Imogen says: Not like when I was young.
Imogen says: *knocks back alcoholic prune juice*
Fred says: Um...
Fred says: Matron....
Fred says: Tell me how I can be beautiful again...
Imogen says: Ahem
Imogen says: *croons: Come closer, my pretty, ever closer....*
Fred says: *does so*
Imogen says: (still crooning:) First, my dear, how much do you want it...?
Fred says: (I want it bad...)
Imogen says: (enough to...Die...?)
Imogen says: *bites neck viciously*
Fred says: *watches all of Disneys back catalogue*
Fred says: (No.)
Imogen says: Excuse me
Imogen says: Look, I'm draining you of your life blood here
Imogen says: the least you can do is pay attention
Fred says: And I'm telling you to stop.
Imogen says: ...Nah...
Imogen says: *drools redly*
Fred says: You could at least eat tidily, Matron.
Imogen says: Shutup.
Imogen says: *saps final drops*
Fred says: So, what now?
Imogen says: *croons once more*
Do you wish to die, my pretty, or join me as my servant in eternal light and beauty?
Fred says: Servant?!
Imogen says: (Vanity Fair will love you)
Fred says: SERVANT?!
Imogen says: (so will Vogue)
Fred says: TO YOU?!?!
Imogen says: (And Hello)
Fred says: My my, Matron! How lofty your thoughts have turned of late!
Fred says: ME?!
Fred says: YOUR QUEEN, your servant?!
Imogen says: OK! will probably do an entire section on you
Imogen says: They may even let you keep the clothes
Fred says: And what of Cosmo?
Fred says: Or Glamour?
Fred says: Now and Womans Weekly?
Imogen says: Cosmo agrees to have you on the cover, but only if you offer alluring sex tips
Imogen says: it's the same deal Elvis got.
Fred says: *sighs*
Fred says: I accept....
Imogen says: Glamour is clamouring for vampire booty on the cover
Fred says: *weeps*
Imogen says: Great! Drink this
Imogen says: *offers clotting goo*
Fred says: *knocks it back*
Imogen says: Hey! That's some mighty expensive goo you're knocking back there!
Imogen says: Onto a mighty expensive carpet!
Fred says: All for Princess!
Imogen says: Listen, drink the goo.
Imogen says: It tastes a lot nicer than wheatgrass and is twice as slimming
Fred says: *drinks it all up*
Imogen says: *sucks remnants off carpet* Waste not, want not
Imogen says: ...
Imogen says: HAHAHAHAAAA
Fred says: Wha....
Imogen says: By drinking the goo, you have made yourself my eternal SLAVE!
Imogen says: HAHAHAHAHAAAAA
Imogen says: *disappears in a puff of smoke*
Fred says: Well.... I.... where'd you go?
Imogen says: *to California. At this exact moment in time I am endulging in furious Celebrating-My-Evil-Genius sex with my gorgeous but thankfully mute butler, Paulo*
Fred says: :
Fred says: BUTLER?!?!
Fred says: Not a male concubine?!
Imogen says: *Butler is what is says on the payslip, but we all know what he really is*
Fred says: And when do the good headlines roll in for me?
Fred says: *reads Vogue*
Fred says: "Princess sells soul."
Fred says: "What a whore."
Fred says: "Faceless tart."
Fred says: :
Imogen says: *COSMO headline: Imogen's super-hot furious celebrating my evil genius sex tips*
Fred says: *sigh*
Imogen says: *Reappears in a puff of smoke and victory*
Imogen says: Hello slave.
Fred says: *meakly nods*
Imogen says: You will find me a not quite unkind mistress
Imogen says: Here, have a make-over courtesy of my other slave, Jesus
Imogen says: He's a hair and beauty stylist
Fred says: *sits and is styled*
Imogen says: Jesus: Permed or straightened, my love?
Fred says: Straightened, it'll go with my new dead look
Imogen says: Jesus: Right. *burns hair*
Fred says: :(:(
Imogen says: HAHAHAHAAAA
Imogen says: Now you have burnt hair!
Imogen says: *disappears in a puff of smoke*
Fred says: WHY?!
Fred says: YOU SAID YOU WERE NOT UNKIND!
Imogen says: *distant sound of cackling*
Fred says: *SIGH*
Imogen says: (I only reappeared down the corridor, where I am now indulging in a victory smoke)
Imogen says: *mooches back in* Are you still here?
Imogen says: This is my house, you realise.
Fred says: *weeps in a corner*
Fred says: Why have you done this to me!?
Imogen says: *inspects nails* Uh... Boredom, really...
Imogen says: Do you think purple is my colour?
Fred says: This was my life.
Imogen says: Oh, all right
Imogen says: you can have your life back.
Imogen says: If you really want it
Fred says: And my hair?
Imogen says: To be honest it looks better the way it is. Now drink this goo.
Imogen says: *proffers glutinous goo*
Fred says: *Drinks the goo*
Fred says: *all of it*
Imogen says: HAHAHAHA
Imogen says: NOW YOU ARE MY ETERNAL SLAVE, HAVE BURNT HAIR AND YOU ALSO SMELL BAD!
Imogen says: HAHAHAHAHAAAA
Imogen says: *wanders out*
Fred says: :(
Imogen says: I win
Fred says: You always will :)

Beatrix's Trial

Morris Skully Ace Attorney: *scowls at Beatrix O'Reilly*
Fred: *scowls at Morris Skully*
Judge Bennett OBE: Beatrix O'Reilly, as I'm sure you're aware, this is your appeal. Your last chance. The crimes you stand accused of are despicable, but everyone deserves a fair trial.
Beatrix: *scowls at crotch*
Judge Bennett OBE: Let's just hope your lawyer is crap.
Beatrix: Objection!
Judge Bennett OBE: Overruled.
Beatrix: *scowls some more*
Morris Skully Ace Attorney: *looks optimistic*
Beatrix: *ejaculates on optimism*
Morris Skully Ace Attorney: "may we begin, your honour?"
Judge Bennett OBE: Proceed at your leisure, Sir Skully.
Beatrix: *grins like a psychopath*
Morris Skully Ace Attorney: *tastes Beatrix's cum of defeat*
Beatrix: Objection!
Judge Bennett OBE: What is it now?
Beatrix: It was not cum of defeat, your honour.
Morris Skully Ace Attorney: tasted like it
Judge Bennett OBE: Order!
Fred: *scowls at O'Reilly*
Fred: Let me make the objections!
Judge Bennett OBE: If you will not act like adults, I will force you to take a nap.
Judge Bennett OBE: Skully, whenever you're ready.
Morris Skully Ace Attorney: it's not nap time
Judge Bennett OBE: Exactly, Skully.
Beatrix: *mumbles something about children*
Judge Bennett OBE: Just get on with it will you.
Morris Skully Ace Attorney: I'm not sleepy
Fred: Just stay quiet, nonse.
Morris Skully Ace Attorney: SILENCE
Morris Skully Ace Attorney: yes thank you your honour
Morris Skully Ace Attorney: we stand here today to decide the fate of one Beatrix O'Reilly
Judge Bennett OBE has changed his/her name to "Judge Bennett Q-bloody-C."
Morris Skully Ace Attorney: your honour I'd like to call Ms O'Reilly to the stand
Fred: OBJECTION.
Judge Bennett: Yes, Winston?
Morris Skully Ace Attorney: Winston your honour?
Fred: I believe that it holds court in contempt to declare decision of fate so early in a trial
Fred: The accused stands here innocent until proven guilty
Judge Bennett: The defence, Skully, do pay attention.
Morris Skully Ace Attorney: maam I am the prosecution
Beatrix: D:
Morris Skully Ace Attourney has changed his/her name to "Morris Skully Ace Prosecution"
Judge Bennett: Very well, Winston. Skully, rephrase your opening statement.
Beatrix: LOOK, I'M INNOCENT, I AM
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: very well your honour
Judge Bennett: GRAHAM BE QUIET.
Beatrix: EHEHEHEEEEE
Judge Bennett: I will hold you in contempt of court if you don't shut up.
Fred: *whispers to accused, did you remember to burn the photos of you.... and the choir boys?*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: we are here today to establish whether or not the accused one Beatrix O'Reilly is guilty or innocent of the crimes she is accused of
Beatrix: *"Yes...No. Wait. Oh shi-"
Fred: *Oh....*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: may I call the accused to the stand your honour?
Judge Bennett: Go ahead, Jones.
Fred: Objection.
Beatrix: *What now?
Judge Bennett: What could you possibly object to in that, Winston?
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: I have here exhibit a
Beatrix: *What are you doing, Winston?!
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: I shall pass it to each one of you in turn
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: can you please tell me what this is, Beatrix?
Beatrix: I...uh
Beatrix: *ahem*
Fred: I would like defer the cross examination of said accused until the proceedings of other witnesses
Beatrix: Well
Beatrix: Yes
Judge Bennett: Overruled. Prosecution may continue.
Fred: *coughs and glares heavily*
Beatrix: LALALAAAA
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: just a moment your honour
Fred: *whispers, good, make them think you've gone insane.*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: I need to clean my teeth
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: brb
Beatrix: *Isn't that just what Radishbottom did?!*
Judge Bennett: ...
Judge Bennett: Call for break.
Judge Bennett: All rise.
Judge Bennett: *leaves*
Beatrix: *rises and sings Blue*
Fred: *For goodness sake, sit down*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: ok im ready
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: thankyou your honour
Beatrix: *sits down again*
Judge Bennett: All rise for the Honourable Judge Bennett (QC)
Judge Bennett: Thank you.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: *risez*
Beatrix: *rises...again*
Fred: *Rises in lethargy*
Judge Bennett: *sits*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: ok
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: *sits*
Beatrix: *sits*
Judge Bennett: Can we try and get this over by lunch please.
Beatrix: Yes please
Judge Bennett: Prosecution, where were we.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: yes maam
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: ok
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: here i have exhibit A
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: i shall pass it to each of you in turn
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: Beatrix
Beatrix: Yessir?
Fred: *does cut throat sign*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: can you describe the evidence to the court
Beatrix: *takes exhibit*
Fred: *mimes deny everything*
Beatrix: It's um...
Judge Bennett: Hmm.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: Beatrix
Beatrix: It's a kebab.
Beatrix: *nods head fervently*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: ...
Judge Bennett: O'Reilly, your mental records came back as perfectly normal.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: *wiggles ass with delight*
Beatrix: D:
Judge Bennett: Please answer the questions sensibly.
Beatrix: I SEE A KEBAB, YOUR HONOUR
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: ...
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: as the court can clearly see
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: this is a polaroid of sweet little Timmy
Fred: *stands up*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: he never meant to hurt nobody
Fred: Objection.
Beatrix: I see a kebab.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: he was always a good little boy
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: BUT THEN ONE DAY
Fred: OBJECTIOIN.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: *glares at Beatrix*
Fred: OBJECTULATION!
Beatrix: *glares right back*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: the prosecution rests your honour
Beatrix: OJECTULATION
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: *points finger at Beatrix*
Beatrix: *nibbles finger*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: *sits down*
Beatrix: *sits on*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: *continues pointing*
Beatrix: *continues nibbling*
Beatrix: Wait S:
Judge Bennett: Winston, you may start your defence.
Beatrix: D:
Beatrix: Why does your finger taste like poo?
Beatrix: *vomits on face*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: because
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: im an attourney
Beatrix: *vomits on attourney*
Fred: First of all.
Fred: *holds up item A*
Judge Bennett: O'Reilly, Skully, SHUT UP.
Beatrix: *vomits on item A, O'Reilly, Skully and shut up*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: ...
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: OBJECTION
Judge Bennett: *bangs gavel*
Beatrix: *vomits on gavel*
Fred: This IS a kebab.
Beatrix: *vomits on kebab*
Beatrix: I don't know what's going on anymore
Judge Bennett: Barklings, the jury can clearly see it is not a kebab.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: *mouths boobs 4 you at judge Bennett*
Judge Bennett: And as far as I know, the defence attorney can't plead insane.
Beatrix: Why not??
Judge Bennett: Skully, behave.
Judge Bennett: I'm not sure, O'Reilly.
Judge Bennett: Just one of those things.
Fred: Your honour
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: ...
Fred: I demand silence in the court
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: objection
Beatrix: *vomits on objection*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: you have no right to make demands
Fred: I DEMAND JUSTICE.
Beatrix: *vomits on demands and justice*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: your honour id like to make a request
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: may i have the floor for a moment?
Judge Bennett: Skully, you were rested, as I recall.
Fred: Your honour
Fred: The floor is mine
Judge Bennett: Barklings, silence will be maintained for as long as I can keep it.
Judge Bennett: Continue.
Fred: I have not yet constructed a defence.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: i know your honour but in light of new evedence we'd like to re open our case
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: just for a few moments
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: pleeese your honour
Her Honour Judge: Please wait for the defence to finish.
Fred: *Sweats*
Judge Bennett: Barklings, would you like a few moments to prepare yourself?
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: fine
Fred: The weight of the evidence put before you, your honour and our good jury
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: but i warn you maam he's not a spooner
Fred: Is inconclusive at best
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: he wont holdyou till the morning comes
Fred: Tittar tatter at worst
Fred: Now I'd like to cross examine the accused
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: as soon as he's finished hes outta there
Judge Bennett: Jones, personal life is not relevant here. Now shut up or no happy ending.
Judge Bennett: Go ahead, Barklings.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: yes maam
Fred: Miss Graham, would it be fair to say that you are a person of weak stomach and mind:?
Beatrix: Yessir.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: ...*erection*
Beatrix: Very much so.
Beatrix: D:
Fred: I put it to you jury
Fred: That the accused standing before you could not possibly have commited the acts of which she is confused
Fred: Nay
Fred: And inspite of whatever psychological examinations she has been put through
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: £20 Barklings is a fag
Fred: I put it to you that she is not emotionally stable
Beatrix: I'll go for that.
Beatrix: I mean
Fred: I put it to you that if she goes to prison, she'll just be another suicide case.
Beatrix: TRUTH
Fred: Or perhaps the jury feels that, that is simply paper work.
Fred: But I plead, emote, I put before you my large earnings when I say.
Fred: She is a human being
Fred: Nonse or not.
Fred: Thank you, your honour.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: ...
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: may i have the floor?
Judge Bennett: Briefly, Skully.
Judge Bennett: This had better be good.
Fred: Objection
Judge Bennett: Overruled.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: it will be your honour
Judge Bennett: Hurry it up then.
Judge Bennett: Lunch approaches.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: id like to present a very different kind of evidence to the court this morning
Fred: OBMOTHERFUCKINGYOURCHILDRENINTHEBUSHESJECTION.
Judge Bennett: Barklings, please leave the court and come back when you have composed yourself!
Fred: *greases back hair* Sorry your honour, I shall be seated.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: shall we wait your honour?
Judge Bennett: He is fine now, Skully. Continue.
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: id like to present my next peice of evedence with a little peice of dance
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: *takes center stage*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: *lights dim*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OPM3ex1jrk&feature=related
Judge Bennett: And what exactly, Skully, is this supposed to prove?
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: (AND THE COURT GOES WIILLLLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: *w000t*
Fred: Your honour, I'd like to have this discounted as exhibitionism with no relevance. *greases back grease*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: well then im outta here hommiez
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: *put jet pack on*
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: see yo later chikaz
Judge Bennett: Jury, go get a verdict.
Fred: See yo lata biiiiatttch!
Morris Skully Ace Prosecution: *PCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*

Sebastian's Trial Pt. 2

Fred has been added to the conversation.
The Honourable Judge Morris says: Mr. Radishbottom the charges against you have already been stated
The Honourable Judge Morris says: if we’re moving too fast perhaps you’d do better to listen
The Honourable Judge Morris says: the charges brought before Mr. Radishbottom and this court are Several counts of Mischief and regular skulduggery
The Honourable Judge Morris says: now if you don’t mind i believe the prosecution has the floor
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "thank you your honour"
Fred says: *glowers at Sebastian*
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "Sgt. Winston"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "on the night of July the 14 you were on duty, were you not?"
Fred says: "Yeah... I mean, yes your honour."
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "thank you "
Sebastian says: iOBJENCTIONAS!
The Honourable Judge Morris says: OVER RULED
Sebastian says: AY AY AY AYYYY!!!!
The Honourable Judge Morris says: Mr. Radishbottom
The Honourable Judge Morris says: please keep quiet
The Honourable Judge Morris says: and keep the interjections English please
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "on the night in question did you encounter any Miscreants?"
Fred says: "A couple of hopper touting crank, and a Persian pimp."
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "a Persian pimp you say "
Sebastian says: OBJECTION Sebastian says: a pimp is slander sir!
The Honourable Judge Morris says: might i ask if any of the aforementioned miscreants are in this court room today?
Sebastian says: "MISSTRIAL"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: OVER RULED
The Honourable Judge Morris says: KEEP QUIET MR. RADISHBOTTOM
The Honourable Judge Morris says: or i will hold you in contempt of court
Fred says: Pimp is what you are, bitch
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "would you care to answer Mr.Winston?"
Fred says: *spits on Sebastian*
Fred says: *Points at whom he spat*
Sebastian says: thank you sir
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "thankyou "
The Honourable Judge Morris says: ORDER
(The Honourable Judge Morris says: ORDER IN THE COURT
The Honourable Judge Morris says: thankyou gentle men
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "thankyou your honour"
Sebastian says: gentlemen
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "now Mr. Winston what was the accused up to on the night in question?"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "Sgt.?"
(22:17) Robert: "He was skullduggering.... and molesting children. Your honour."
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "thankyou "
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "defences whitness"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: thankyou Mr. Winston
Sebastian says: I whitnessed the whole thing
The Honourable Judge Morris says: the defence may now question the whitness
Sebastian says: yes i did indeed molest those children
Sebastian says: but there was absolutely no skullduggery involved, sir
The Honourable Judge Morris says: this is not an appeal Mr. Radishbottom
The Honourable Judge Morris says: QUESTION THE WHITNESS
Fred says: "On the night of Monday the 8th of September in the year 2008, Mr Radishbottom, where you or where you not conducting business at the mini taxi offices on Logan st.?"
Sebastian says: I was indeed.
Fred says: "And tell me, Mr Radishbottom, what does that business entail?"
Sebastian says: it entails a series of mini-taxis performing acts of a sexual nature upon clients whom i call "tricks"
Sebastian says: nothing illegal, sir.
Fred says: *takes out various tapes from a wire tap operation performed*
The Honourable Judge Morris says: ...
Fred says: *plays*
The Honourable Judge Morris says: foul
Fred says: "Logans Mini taxis, how can I help you....?" - "I want some pussy." - "Get in."
Fred says: *stops tape*
Sebastian says: HAAA!!!!
Sebastian says: HAHAHAHA
Sebastian says: i love it when my bitches work.
Fred says: "What do you say to this Mr Radishbottom?"
Sebastian says: *lights up a spliff*
Sebastian says: yeah that's them
Sebastian says: what of it?
The Honourable Judge Morris says: THATS IT MR. RADISHBOTTOM
Fred says: *shoots spliff out of your mouth*
Fred says: "Not in my court of justice."
The Honourable Judge Morris says: im holding you in contempt of court
The Honourable Judge Morris says: Mr. Winston
The Honourable Judge Morris says: you may remain in court if you wish as a guest
Sebastian says: *wheezes out of a bong* yeah i'm in contempt
Sebastian says: what of it?
The Honourable Judge Morris says: but your testemony is no longer needed
The Honourable Judge Morris says: that means Mr. Radishbottom that youll be paying a £500 and spending toninght in jail
Sebastian says: *heroine injection* yeah, i'm going to jail, what of it?
Sebastian says: yeah okay
Sebastian says: sounds fair
Fred says: *Pins you against a wall*
Fred says: Why don't we just end it here Radishbottom.
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "bailiff restrain the accused"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: *Mr. Radishbottom is pinned by the baliff and Winston*
Sebastian says: SHIIIIT
Sebastian says: AAARHGGHHA
The Honourable Judge Morris says: Mr. Winston restrain yourself
The Honourable Judge Morris says: we have 3 more whitnesses
The Honourable Judge Morris says: this is nowhere near over
The Honourable Judge Morris says: now SIT DOWN
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "baliff shoots tranquelizer"
Sebastian says: but the sentence has been given!
The Honourable Judge Morris says: *Fred slumps on the floor*
The Honourable Judge Morris says: NO
The Honourable Judge Morris says: you have been held in contempt
The Honourable Judge Morris says: that is a proliminary sentencing for your misbehgaviour in court
The Honourable Judge Morris says: this case is not over
The Honourable Judge Morris says: next whitness!!!!!
Sebastian says: I CALL TO THE STAND
Sebastian says: THE MARCH HARE
The Honourable Judge Morris says: im sorry Mr. Radishbottom
The Honourable Judge Morris says: its not your turn
The Honourable Judge Morris says: sit down
The Honourable Judge Morris says: or your one night will be made a week
The Honourable Judge Morris says: the next whitness please
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "i'd like to call to the stand"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "Ms. Gordonna Bennett"
Gordonna has been added to the conversation.
Sebastian says: IMPOSSIBLE
Fred says: *grunts*
Gordonna says: *cough*
The Honourable Judge Morris says: Ms. Bennet
Gordonna says: *smile*
Sebastian says: HOE WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE
Gordonna says: Yes your honour?
Sebastian says: YOU GET BACK TO THE GHETTO BEFORE I BEAT YO ASS
Gordonna says: *stiff upper lip*
The Honourable Judge Morris says: do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
Gordonna says: So help me god, your honour.
The Honourable Judge Morris says: ORDER
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "youll be tranquelized next Mr. Radishbottom, calm down!!!!!"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: thankyou
Gordonna says: *wipes eye with a tissue*
Fred says: *grunts again*
The Honourable Judge Morris says: order
The Honourable Judge Morris says: be quiet
Fred says: *coughs*
The Honourable Judge Morris says: whitness for the prosicution
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "thank you your honour"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "Ms. Bennett you are a working girl are you not?"
Gordonna says: That I am, your honour.
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "and you are in the employ of Mr. Radishbottom are you not"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: ?
Fred says: *coughs, grunts, clears throat and smokes*
Gordonna says: I wouldn't say 'employ', exactly, your honour.
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "well you work for him right?"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: what would you say?
Gordonna says: Yes I do.
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "thankyou "
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "and on the night of july the fourteenth Mr. Radishbottom was arrested wasnt he?"
Gordonna says: Well, it's all a bit hazy, sir... Can't remember much these days.
The Honourable Judge Morris says: so you dont remember what the charges were?
Sebastian says: AAAAAAAAALLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Sebastian says: *BOOM!*

Sebastian's Trial Pt. 1

The Honourable Judge Morris says: Sebastian Harvey Radishbottom
Sebastian says: yes
The Honourable Judge Morris says: you stand accused of several counts of miscreancy and skull duggery
The Honourable Judge Morris says: how do you plead?
Sebastian says: I plead insanity.
The Honourable Judge Morris says: ...
The Honourable Judge Morris says: does the defence agree?
Sebastian says: "yes sir, in fact we have a note from a doctor of psycho-analysis that this is indeed the case that he is a very, very sick minded individual."
The Honourable Judge Morris says: ...
The Honourable Judge Morris says: ok
The Honourable Judge Morris says: well
The Honourable Judge Morris says: lets proceed with the prosecution anyway
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "if it pleases your honour the prosecution we would like to present our case in video form"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: proceed
The Honourable Judge Morris says: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBb0zSmNevY
Sebastian says: SHIT this had better not be about the duck
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "the prosecutions rests your honour"
Sebastian says: "you honour, i'm afraid the defence has no comment at this time, recess plz?"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: ...
The Honourable Judge Morris says: over ruled
The Honourable Judge Morris says: i don’t wish to drag this out any longer than we have to
The Honourable Judge Morris says: will the defence call your first witness?
The Honourable Judge Morris says: ...
Sebastian says: "i would first like to call up to the stand, Mr James Earl Jones."
The Honourable Judge Morris says: ...
The Honourable Judge Morris says: proceed
Sebastian says: NIGGER
Sebastian says: "MISTRIAL!"
Sebastian says: "yes indeed"
Sebastian says: "RACISMS!"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: hm...
The Honourable Judge Morris says: moving testimony
The Honourable Judge Morris says: but will the defence stick to relevant questions?
The Honourable Judge Morris says: Mr. Radishbottom
Sebastian says: ur yes?
Sebastian says: "Sh, you don't need to answer that"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: excuse me what is the name of Mr. Radishbottoms defence?
The Honourable Judge Morris says: Mr. Radishbottom
The Honourable Judge Morris says: what is your defences name?
Sebastian says: DAAAAAAN
Sebastian says: "i'm a lawyer, and i will hereby like to file suit against the judge for sexual harassment by referring to my client as Mr Radishbottom."
The Honourable Judge Morris says: ...
The Honourable Judge Morris says: over ruled
The Honourable Judge Morris says: this is not a sexual harassment suit hearing
The Honourable Judge Morris says: that will be dealt with at a later date
The Honourable Judge Morris says: will the prosecution please call your first witness?
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "we'd like to call the right honourable reverend Winston to the stand"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: you ready for this?
Sebastian says: "yes indeedy".
Fred has been added to the conversation.
The Honourable Judge Morris says: Mr. Winston
The Honourable Judge Morris says: do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you god?
The Honourable Judge Morris says: Mr.Winston?
The Honourable Judge Morris says: is there some problem?
Fred Fred has left the conversation.
Sebastian says: haaaaaaaaa
Sebastian says: "MISTRIAL"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: "the prosecution calls for a short recess"
The Honourable Judge Morris says: sustained
The Honourable Judge Morris says: this hearing is adjourned and will rejoin in 5 minutes
Sebastian says: HA
Sebastian says: i'm gunna go off scott free
The Honourable Judge Morris says: Court is now in session
Sebastian says: actually, question what i am being prosecuted for?
The Honourable Judge Morris says: Sgt. Winston of the NYPD will now testify
Fred has been added to the conversation.

Fred's Parasite

Fred: I don't normally eat chocolate but I'm having food urges
Gordonna: Food cravings?
Gordonna: Hmmm.
Gordonna: Have you noticed swelling ankles?
Fred: *checks*
Gordonna: Tenderness of the breasts?
Fred: Yes and yes...w-what does this mean?
Gordonna: ... I don't quite know how to put this, Mr. Winston...
Gordonna: You have a parasite.
Fred: *shudders*
Gordonna: I'm guessing you've had this parasite for about two months now.
Gordonna: Which gives you a good 7 months until it can be removed.
Gordonna: Though it may come out of its own volition.
Fred: ....and then?
Gordonna: And then you can knit it little booties and arrange play dates with the other proud owners of similar parasite.
Fred: *sigh*
Fred: I can't knit
Fred: I'm just not ready for all of this.... I wanted to have a career, a life....
Gordonna: There's always kicking yourself in the stomach.
Fred: But then, then there'll be a dead thing inside me.
Gordonna: That's why vacuum cleaners were invented, silly.
Fred: I don't know if Henry would appreciate something dead inside him either :\
Gordonna: You can borrow mine
Fred: Is your vacum cleaner a soulless one? Without eyes and a smile?
Gordonna: Yuuuup (:
Fred: So I beat myself in the stomach and this beast shall die? Then I vaccum it out and NEVER tell anybody it ever happened
Gordonna: Exxxxactly.
Gordonna: You could uh... Give the beast to me, if you don't want it
Fred: Dead or alive?
Gordonna: However it comes out
Fred: What if um... what if it comes out as a walrus?
Fred: Not that I'm saying that I erm, got up to anything last time I went fishing
Gordonna: Don't worry about it. Anything you say to me is entirely confidential.
Fred: It had been a long fishing trip, mostly fruitless...
Fred: And he was there, laying on the rocks, he offered me one of his fish and I couldn't say no
Gordonna: Go on..
Fred: He put a flipper round me.... I didn't object *sigh* I should've objected
Gordonna: I would classfiy this as rape! You should report this, he can't do this to a young innocent lad.
Robert: His name was Rupurt, but that was probably a lie... He gave me a number that doesn't work
Gordonna: This is so sad
Gordonna: *sniffle*
Robert: I think I might keep it... If I fry the baby then that'll be a big bitch slap to him...
Gordonna: Then invite him over and make him eat it!
Gordonna: I like your style.
Fred: I love it.
Fred: "So... Rupurt... enjoying your son, *cough* I mean steak." *stares coldly*
Gordonna: HaHA! stick it to him, girlfran!

Sebastian the Pimp

Fred says: I wish you were a pimp
Fred says: And I was a cop
Fred says: I could come to you for sex love partners after long shifts :)
Sebastian says: that would be awesome
Sebastian says: and my name would be "A Pimp Named Slick-Seb"
Fred says: What sort of suit would you wear?
Sebastian says: pinstripe
Sebastian says: with a red tie
Sebastian says: and white shoes
Sebastian says: and hair oiled back
Sebastian says: and face oiled forward.
Fred says: :D

An Introduction

Welcome to the strangely wonderful world of 'Stop Fighting, It's Only Dinner'; a collection of chat logs from a group of confused, androgenous, and horrifyingly explicit friends.